I feel so trapped

Trapped inside my own head. All these thoughts swirling around like a vortex. All these voices, demanding I obey their compulsions. It's not as if I'm not happy. I don't even know if happy is the right word. Happy? Content? Happy? Oh fuck, a mix in between depending on that moment's circumstances. My mood fluctuates so rapidly it's sometimes hard to keep up. 

I've been having very strange dreams recently. They're not nightmares, because they don't scare me - maybe that's the worst part - because they're  so morbid. In my dreams the dead are walking about. They're not talking or attacking, they're just there y'know? I've been playing a lot of zombie apocalypse games recently and that probably has a big influence on my subconscious. 

Dreams are our brain's way of making us aware of what could happen to keep us safe but they can also be our brains toying with us. The other night I had a dream where I was surrounded by zombies and on the ground I saw the dead, decomposing body of a little boy. I mean what the fuck?! These are not normal dreams. I don't want to have dreams like that.

I keep dreaming about being in an area surrounded by high, barbed wire topped walls with armed guards. They're keeping us safe from whatever is beyond the barriers. Whenever I am able to look over the walls I see nothing but green land with no people or animals. It looks safe so why am I stuck in this "safe zone"? Maybe it's symbolising my feeling of being trapped in my own head (and I've only just thought of this now). Why am I in an area that is keeping me from a place so dangerous it needs guards with guns and high, high walls? I feel caged in. It's always dark when I'm here, like the  deep pit of my unconscious.

Christ, I'd dread to have that as a reality, who knows what secrets it has locked away. I have a lot of blank areas in my memory which I can only presume have been erased to keep me functioning mentally. That tells me that whatever happened was so traumatic that my conscious has decided "Nope, delete it!". But it's not erased completely, just pushed so deep into my unconscious that I cannot remember. 

I have dreams about setting people on fire and watching then burn alive. I don't feel anything towards them, I just watch inanimately as their skin begins to blister and peel. How sinister is that? These are not normal dreams. These are dreams of that of a psychotic maniac - a psychopath - and I desperately want to unlock their meaning. What are they trying to tell me?

My thoughts are controlling my life, telling me what I can and can't do. It's extremely frustrating and it makes me feel aggressive. I am forever trying to psychoanalyse myself and sometimes I think I have supirior intelligence when it comes to how I work mentally but that's the thing - I don't - otherwise I'd not be so confused and desperate to find the answers. I'd already know them. 

Like I said at the beginning of this post:

I feel so trapped and I'm just waiting to be freed. Freed from my own devious chains.