Today is the day of my Care Higher Prelim. I am currently on my way to college and so underprepared.

On the plus side; I like my hair so you can have a picture of my face. 

Hannah Murray is a sexy wee cutie.

I wouldn't kick her out of bed. Just look at her. Wow. 😍

Absolute Perfection

I'm on my way to a party and my anxiety levels are sky high - even more than usual. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so socially inept. I don't know how to do parties.

It's a housewarming with a couple friends, a couple drinks and some xbox. It's not a big deal so why am I panicking? Mikey was invited too but he's deadly allergic to cats so can't come. I wish he was here as ridiculous as that is.

I can't even go to a friend's house without having him there - well I can as I'm doing it - but if he was here is be nowhere near as nervous.

I feel overdressed but under covered. Plus I forgot my controller and Halo top so I'm having a proper freak out on this bus.

They're also serving pizza which is mega high calorie. How do I refuse food that they've so kindly paid for? I will need something to soak up the alcohol I'm going to have to consume to control my nerves. I haven't eaten today in anticipation for the high calorie bevy.

Oh god, why am I such a freak? Haha.

Hopefully the more drunk I get, the more I'll calm down but what if I get wasted and make a fool of myself? AAAAARGH.

I just spilled the depths of my soul to my boyfriend about how I feel about my body image, what I'm doing to try and get better and the thoughts that go through my head and he wasn't even fucking listening.

Oh my GOD. It's so frustrating. His girlfriend is extremely mentally ill and he doesn't even fucking care enough to pay attention. It's no wonder I feel like I can't talk to anyone about any of this when the one person who is supposed to care about me the most (other than my family) doesn't even want to hear it. It's like I'm invisible.

I give up. Everyone can get to fuck. I plead for help and it gets me nowhere. 

Food is all I can think about. It's driving me crazy. I feel constantly hungry.

So far today I've had some porridge but I can't stop thinking about eating.

When did food become the enemy?

I was looking at myself last night and I just wanted to rip the skin from my legs. I can't stand to look at myself at all now. Just a few months ago I felt better with what I looked like. I had confidence to wear shorts and skin tight tops. Now it's just like "what are you doing?"

Mikey is getting so angry at me because he's sick of me talking about it. I stopped talking about it and now I can't even look at myself without him getting angry. He doesn't understand that I can't help it. I want to see if I lost any weight but I'm just gain, gain, gain.

I done my presentation in college yesterday. It was a talk on the health implications of being under and overweight. One woman said "coming from a person who used to be heavy" used to. You're wrong. It's not past tense. It's happening right now.

I wish everyone would just leave me alone. Stop commenting on my weight or my appearance and just fuck. right. off.

Leave me to deal with this alone. If you're not going to help then GO AWAY.

The screaming, shouting and yelling used to frighten me. Now I just sit there numb. 

Innermost.

There's an ache in the pit of my stomach and in the hollows of my chest whenever I think of you. When I see your face my heart is filled with sorrow.

I'm revisiting places I'd never dared to look back at. But as I dip further into this bottomless pool of misfortune I can get a glimpse of what I once had.

I'll wait here for a raft to pull me back to the surface for it's far too cold at the bottom of this well. I am too weak by myself to climb for the walls are far too steep. 

Am I a bad person for constantly moaning about my weight? Am I selfish for not believing people when they say I look fine? That I don't need to lose anymore weight?

Is my behaviour irrational? Of course it is but that's the thing. That what a mental illness does to people. It blocks the logical and rational behaviour with its compulsive thoughts. It's torturous thoughts. They take over your life. Your every waking moment.

I feel like I have no-one to talk to. My boyfriend is fed up hearing about me talking about my weight, checking myself in the mirror, looking at my body. He doesn't understand. These thoughts are destroying me. He can't understand why I feel so unattractive when he thinks I'm beautiful. He doesn't see what I see or feel what I feel. I can't stand my reflection, I want to break the mirror.

I look hideous. I fear I'm never going to accept what I look like. I fear I'm never going to be happy. Before I hit my personally set target weight I think I'm going to be happy but when I reach it it's never enough. My next target weight is 8 stone or a size 6/8. I always want to lose more. Will it ever stop?

I just want these horrible, destructive thoughts to go away.

Go away, go away, GO AWAY. Please. 

I'm starting a new diet.

I am regaining control of what I eat. No longer will anyone cook food for me or tempt me with anything. My boyfriend gives me enormous portions when he makes the tea. I don't want to eat anywhere near as much as him. I want 1/4 of what he eats. It's fine for him, he has a really fast metabolism so can eat a tonne if unhealthy stuff and remain stick thin. From now on this will be my daily food intake:

Breakfast: porridge

Lunch: vegetable soup

Dinner: noodles and steamed veg

Snacks: fruit - oranges/grapes/banana

Drinks: diluted juice/skimmed milk

I'm also limiting myself to 1000 calories max! That way I'm not starving myself but I should be able to lose 2lbs a week.

I will be 8 stone by summer. 

I am sick of being overweight

Every piece of food that goes over my lips I can see appearing on my body. It's disgusting. I could eat nothing and gain like 12674289853742752627 stone. I just want to be thin and beautiful. I want to feel my bones as I move.

I was doing so well losing weight but now it's stopped and gone in reverse. Why can't the weight lose continue? I just want to be skinny.

I've set myself a 2lb weight loss a week diet. I will have the body I want. I'm about 136lbs. That's just fat, fat, fat.

I used to eat next to nothing and not feel hungry. Now I have almost nothing and feel the constant need to eat. I'm a fucking disgusting mess. 

I'm sick of being a burden to everyone. 

I went to the gym again yesterday and got my heart rate up to 193 beats a minute.

Holy shit - I gotta stop smoking or imma kill myself. 

My thoughts are suffocating me

Slowly. Twisted. Strangling. 

I feel so trapped

Trapped inside my own head. All these thoughts swirling around like a vortex. All these voices, demanding I obey their compulsions. It's not as if I'm not happy. I don't even know if happy is the right word. Happy? Content? Happy? Oh fuck, a mix in between depending on that moment's circumstances. My mood fluctuates so rapidly it's sometimes hard to keep up. 

I've been having very strange dreams recently. They're not nightmares, because they don't scare me - maybe that's the worst part - because they're  so morbid. In my dreams the dead are walking about. They're not talking or attacking, they're just there y'know? I've been playing a lot of zombie apocalypse games recently and that probably has a big influence on my subconscious. 

Dreams are our brain's way of making us aware of what could happen to keep us safe but they can also be our brains toying with us. The other night I had a dream where I was surrounded by zombies and on the ground I saw the dead, decomposing body of a little boy. I mean what the fuck?! These are not normal dreams. I don't want to have dreams like that.

I keep dreaming about being in an area surrounded by high, barbed wire topped walls with armed guards. They're keeping us safe from whatever is beyond the barriers. Whenever I am able to look over the walls I see nothing but green land with no people or animals. It looks safe so why am I stuck in this "safe zone"? Maybe it's symbolising my feeling of being trapped in my own head (and I've only just thought of this now). Why am I in an area that is keeping me from a place so dangerous it needs guards with guns and high, high walls? I feel caged in. It's always dark when I'm here, like the  deep pit of my unconscious.

Christ, I'd dread to have that as a reality, who knows what secrets it has locked away. I have a lot of blank areas in my memory which I can only presume have been erased to keep me functioning mentally. That tells me that whatever happened was so traumatic that my conscious has decided "Nope, delete it!". But it's not erased completely, just pushed so deep into my unconscious that I cannot remember. 

I have dreams about setting people on fire and watching then burn alive. I don't feel anything towards them, I just watch inanimately as their skin begins to blister and peel. How sinister is that? These are not normal dreams. These are dreams of that of a psychotic maniac - a psychopath - and I desperately want to unlock their meaning. What are they trying to tell me?

My thoughts are controlling my life, telling me what I can and can't do. It's extremely frustrating and it makes me feel aggressive. I am forever trying to psychoanalyse myself and sometimes I think I have supirior intelligence when it comes to how I work mentally but that's the thing - I don't - otherwise I'd not be so confused and desperate to find the answers. I'd already know them. 

Like I said at the beginning of this post:

I feel so trapped and I'm just waiting to be freed. Freed from my own devious chains.

Here's the progress I've made in the last 3 years. I might look like the girl on the right but I feel like the girl on the left. 

Today is okay. I'm going for lunch with Mikey just for something to do. I'm so sick and tired of being bored and skint. Bored because I'm skint. I miss the days when I could do whatever I wanted, go wherever I want because money was no object. I want a job but I don't at the same time. I'm loving my college course but my bursary is not high enough in my opinion. I mean, I can feed myself and pay my bills but I have no money left over to do anything.

Everyone needs some kind of stimulus, right? I sit in this room and play the computer or watch TV. I know I should be studying but I just don't want to. So, I'm going to Wetherspoons for some grub. I shouldn't be eating such high calorie shite because I feel myself gaining weight. I'm convinced that everyone anything goes over my lips it instantly becomes visible to the World. Is that crazy? Am I crazy? Am I just deluding myself or are my thoughts not imaginary? I went to the gym for the first time in almost 5 years yesterday. My body is suffering today. I wish I could eat as much as I wanted without being conscious of gaining weight. In the last 3 years I've lost over 3 stone but it's not enough. I need to lose more. I want to lose more. I want to feel beautiful. I want to be beautiful. 

I've gone completely off topic but then again, there never really was a point to this post. There's never a point to anything I do. 

I am sick of being woken up in the middle of the fucking night. I feel like I'm going to have a fucking nervous breakdown. Just because you can't deal with tiny insignificant noises doesn't mean you can wake me, turn the tv up then start shouting at me because I'm groggy. I'm groggy because I cannot deal with this amount of lack of sleep. Two nights in a row I've been woken in the middle of the night and you've started shouting at me. I swear to fucking god I am going to go fucking psycho. You're not going to be able to sleep in the living room because it's too cold and the fire will make too much noise and you're going to end up coming back upstairs at like 3am and wake me up again. Yes you have college in the morning but so have I and my work is a lot harder than yours and requires more concentration. Get fucking sleeping pills or wear ear muffs because I am going to fucking kill someone if I do not get some fucking sleep fucking soon! AAAARGHHH 😡😡

Each cell in the human body is replaced every 8 years. 

How nice it will be to have a body that you have not touched. 

My tumblr - if anyone is interested.

www.t0xicwaist.tumblr.com

Have a picture of me.

I'm baaaaaaack

It's been so, so long since I've blogged. I have my tumblr but I never really post any writing. My other blogger profile hasn't been touched in years and I'd prefer to keep it that way. I was in a bad place in my life back then and I don't want to be reminded of all those hurtful memories and emotions so from now on I'll be blogging here.

I don't really have anything else to blog just now.